Couples -
Marital Therapy: This is a process
of determining how each is perceiving the problem and finding the
best way of helping each partner achieve their goals in the
relationship. Typically the couple works on their communication
skills in order to clarify their words and bring an understanding to
their behaviors. Many times it is helpful to have a mediator
to interpret and clarify things for each person in order to assist
the communication process. If the relationship is too
conflicted it may be necessary to work on some individual issues
with each person before the couple is brought back to work on their
relationship together in therapy.
Typical problems that bring about
marital or couples therapy: Stress, Time Together, Intimacy
Issues, Financial Stress, Personal loss, Divorce, Remarriage,
Parenting .
Stress- conflicts can originate from work or home. Sometimes
all it takes is one more stressor to make the marriage feel
unmanageable. Finding ways to reduce the stress or develop
some new coping skills can be helpful in getting through a
difficult time. Sometimes one additional stress issue can
trigger things like addictions to surface, anger to blow, or
avoidant behaviors that don't help the person or the relationship
cope any better. When we reach the end of our rope and can't
seem to make things get better talking to a healthcare
professional can be the start of something new that can bring
relief and hope to a person's life.
Time Together- if the time we spend together with our spouse or
significant other is always arguing or fighting things can seem
pretty bad and hopeless. The same is true if very little time is
spent with our spouse. Isolation is the discouraging
result of being alone much of the time. This is an issue
that needs to be talked about. Human beings were made to
commune with others. When we don't have this feeling of
companionship in our most important relationship we can feel empty
and alone on the inside.
Intimacy
Issues- Sometimes a couple may have a hard time talking
about sex in their marriage. We first need to feel loved,
valued and wanted before we give of the most intimate part to
ourselves. Sex is lacking intimacy if the romance or quality
time is missing. The presenting issues may
change with a new job or a new spouse. Counseling may feel
like the only safe place for a couple can talk about these
issues. Many times the intimacy is a pronounced issue if one
of the spouses is mistreated or if their has been past physical or
sexual abuse. Discovering the underlying issues of abuse and
talking about how they affect the relationship can help bring
about a greater understanding in the relationship.
Clarifying boundaries and talking about what feels ok and what
doesn't will many times help the abused person feel more respected
and valued in the relationship.
Financial Stress- When two individuals get together and live together
they bring with them the baggage from the past. Part of this
is how they have handled money and how their parents have handled
their money and credit. Talking about the financial stress
and developing a plan for their financial goals and needs can
bring about a healthier way the couple handles money
together. Ignoring the problem usually continues
to perpetuate it. Divorce and remarriage can also have it's
financial difficulties. Many times their are things in our
life that we cannot control; for example a birth, loss of a home,
accident, or a health issue. We cannot always foresee what
may happen to us or our spouse or loved one. This setback can seem
overwhelming at the time and counseling can help facilitate a
discussion that can bring ultimate
relief.
Personal Losses- when we lose a loved one or something we
valued like a job, home, car or pet we experience a grief
reaction. All grief is normal, but if we stay stuck in
the grief process too long we can become clinically
depressed. This can then effect our home life and job.
If you have experienced a loss in your life don't wait to get
help. You are not alone. There are many people going
through similar situations as you are. My grandmother
stayed depressed for 10 years when her first husband died
unexpectedly. The only advise she got back then was to read
her Bible, pray and go to work every day. There are more
resources for people going through grief today. You can feel
better with some professional help. Grief wasn't meant to be
forever.
Divorce- The unfortunate occurrence of divorce, brings
about significant changes for all those involved. Having
someone to talk about those changes can often relieve
stress. Sometimes a couple wants counseling to
determine if the situation or problem can be resolved or
improved. One needs to plan on a minimum of 6 sessions to
see if deep rooted issues can be worked out or resolved. If
only one in the relationship wants out of the marriage that is
enough to end things. Many times I see couples after they
have put up with the presenting issues for years. Their
patience has worn thin and they don't have much left in them to
see things change. This is unfortunate, because if
they would have started to work on their issues sooner they would
not have worn out emotionally. As I marriage
counselor I look for ways to find hope and strength in the
individuals I work with. Usually both of
the individuals in the relationship have some
strengths from which to build on and begin to repair
things. But if the couple wants to separate I facilitate the
communication and the process so divorce becomes as
painless as possible.
Remarriage- I have worked with many couples that have divorced
and remarried. Some find the next marriage to be more
successful than the first. Others marry into the same problems of
the past and find it difficult to escape the old patterns. I
try to facilitate discussions with the couples that will bring
about a healthier relationship than the previous one. We
talk about possible baggage brought into the new relationship.
From this discussion we look for ways to change the unhealthy
patterns of the past. Premarital counseling is
recommended. Problems are more easily worked on before the
marriage than after. Is it possible for your spouse to
change? Yes! But your spouse must want to change. That is
the real question, how bad does the future spouse want to
change? What I tell couples is that they need to accept
their partner with all their weaknesses and shortcomings,
both before and after the wedding. If they truly do this,
they don't have to spend the rest of the marriage, working so
hard, to try to change their spouse to their expectations.
Fredrickson Counseling &
Coaching 1639 N. Alpine Rd. Suite 403 Rockford, IL. 61107
